Tracy

aka MissStabler

22/Christian/Brother Lover

SPN, RB, H50, OUAT

I make gifs, fanvids, fanfics, and generally just spend a lot of time talking about how perfect Dean and Sam, and Jensen and Jared are. I will defend canon until I die. No wincest, just brother lovin'.

Waiting impatiently for season 10.

Strongly against destiel

You and Me
come whatever

I don’t really know what happened but I’ve never felt something snap inside me like that before. It was wrong and I feel bad but at the same time it just felt so good. Dirk was throwing Barry around after school today and I got in his way so Barry could leave and when I walked past Dirk, he shoved me onto the ground. I’ve been pushed around before, you get used to that with being the new kid every other week, but this time felt different. There was a crowd of kids. Stupid kids who just stood there and watched. Why didn’t they try to stop him? Why didn’t anyone defend Barry?

Maybe it was because Dirk had already hit me the other day but the way he was taunting me and calling me names and everything, I lost it. Dean’s been telling me for years that I need to stand up for myself and fight back and I always ignore him because how does fighting help anything? Going down to the bully’s level isn’t a good way to settle things. But at that minute I just didn’t care. Dirk called me a ‘freak’ and that    man I hate that word so much. Dirk tried to fight back but I used what Dad and Dean had taught me and it felt so good to just hit him and let him feel humiliated for once. Then that stupid group of kids starting repeating what I called him. Dirk the jerk. I felt so powerful today and I loved it. I just know Dad’s coming back to get us soon because there’s no way this awesome feeling will last.

I’ve got some homework to do so I’m gonna get started. Dean keeps asking me what’s up because he knows something’s different but he can keep asking. I’m not gonna tell him. I didn’t tell Dean what happened because he’d probably be proud of me and offer to buy me a beer or something. I don’t want him to know. I don’t want Dad to know either. It’s my secret.

[x]

Remember that essay I had to write? Three pages about a memorable family experience and it was worth half of my grade? We kinda started it in class, just wrote down some ideas, but I finished it last night. When I handed it in, I just figured the teacher would flunk me and I’d move on. It’s just a class, it’s just a grade, it’s just my life. Who cares, right? Dad sure doesn’t. I don’t need a degree to be a hunter, that’s what Dad always says. But I want the grades. I work hard. I try to pretend I’m normal so I make up stories. But this time I just wrote the truth. And Mr. Wyatt actually liked it. I told him he could flunk me when he asked me about it but he said it was good and he gave me an A. He asked if I wanted to become a writer. I’ve never thought about that before. He even asked me if I wanted to continue in the family business. He was the first person I ever sort of told the truth to and he didn’t just brush me off like most teachers do. Mr. Wyatt talked about how there’s like four chances a person gets in their life to shape how their life is gonna be. He said I had to be the one to make those decisions and I couldn’t let someone else do that for me - not even my dad. And for the first time, today I realized that I can make my own decisions. I started thinking about what my four decisions would be and I think I know. I’m gonna go to college, for one. I don’t have to be a hunter. Dad’ll probably kick my ass when I tell him so I won’t tell him til I’m sure I can do it, but I’m going to. I’m gonna go to college and get married and have a normal job. I’m not sure what I want to do yet but I’ll figure that out later. Right now I’m just happy. Dean’s sitting at the table brooding about how Amanda’s pressuring him to come to her house and spend time with her family and he keeps standing up and trying to talk to me about it but then he sits back down and mumbles something about how stupid all of this and how Dad’s supposed to be back by now. I love that Dad isn’t here. I feel normal for the first time in a really long time. I’m just another kid at school who does his homework and gets good grades. I hope Dad doesn’t come back for months. Years would be fine too. Oh Dean says he’s gonna go and break up with Amanda. Nevermind, he’s sitting back down again. I’m gonna go tell him to pick one or go to bed, and that’s what I’m gonna do. Bye for now.

[x]

Third new school this year so far. I’m so sick of all of this. I can’t really imagine what it would be like to wake up in the same bed every morning and go to the same school every day. Sounds pretty amazing if you ask me. But no one asks me. So here we are. Truman High School. Dean tries to act like it doesn’t bother him, and maybe it doesn’t, but I’m sick of it. I guess to him every new school means a new girlfriend. I don’t care about girls. They seem like a lot of trouble. I just focus on my school work and get through. “Keep your head down, Sammy”. That’s what Dean tells me when I start getting picked on for being the new kid. At least that’s what he says part of the time. Most of the time he gives me advice like “Just beat the crap out of them, they’ll never bother you again if you do.” I’m sure Dad’s advice wouldn’t be any better - if he gave me advice. He mostly just drops us off in a town with enough money for a month long room rental and drives off. Whatever. We’re in a room now. Dean tried to find the best looking place and it’s okay. Better than the last one we were at. Anyways, I met this kid named Barry today. Nice guy but because he wears glasses and cares more about his school work then being cool, some jerk in our English class picks on him. I hate bullies. I’d wipe them all off the face of the earth if I could. Barry’s a cool guy and he doesn’t deserve it. I feel sorry for him. At least if I get picked on, we’re outta the school in a few weeks so I don’t have to deal with the same bully for long. I’ve got a mark on my face thanks to this bully. His name is Dirk. A real creep. When Dean found out he flipped. I might have to hide the guns for now other wise Dirk might be in for a surprise. No I’m just kidding. Oh yeah, and for English I have to write a story about something my family did last summer. Hmm let me think of all the possible stories. That time we went to Disneyland or how about when we rented a boat and then made cookies with Mom. Anything I make up has got to be better than the truth. Or maybe I should just write the truth. Maybe the teacher will put me in a psych ward. It’s probably better then a motel. I’ll probably just write about that  werewolf hunt. I should get to that now.

[x]

Jessica is dead and it’s my fault.
[x]

Jessica is dead and it’s my fault.

[x]

That was the best night of my life. Dean figured since Dad wasn’t around, we could have our own Fourth of July celebration and he went out and bought a crate full of fireworks. The guy we bought ‘em from gave Dean this list of things not to do with them but Dean wasn’t even listening. He kept poking me and whispering about how much fun it would be. And it was. He drove us to this open field and we got out and lit a bunch and then the whole crate at once. It was awesome. I stood under the fireworks and they were exploding all around me. But then something went wrong and some sparks hit a clump of trees nearby. We drove away as fast as we could while the field burned behind us. Yeah it was reckless and stupid but who cares? It was a blast. I haven’t heard Dean laugh like that in a really long time. Dad was pissed when he found out this morning but it doesn’t matter. Even while Dad’s stalkin’ around trying to get us to understand how dangerous that stunt was - “not to mention the huge waste of money” - Dean keeps shooting me these idiotic smiles.

[x]

Doesn’t look like we’re doin’ anything special today. Dad caught wind of a case in Arizona the other day so that’s where we are now. I think he’s gonna be heading out at some point but at least he’s leaving the car with us. We’re in a really crappy motel room. Can’t wait for this hunt to be over. Gotta go, Dean just came in and said he’s got a brilliant idea. Yeah, I bet.
[x]

Doesn’t look like we’re doin’ anything special today. Dad caught wind of a case in Arizona the other day so that’s where we are now. I think he’s gonna be heading out at some point but at least he’s leaving the car with us. We’re in a really crappy motel room. Can’t wait for this hunt to be over. Gotta go, Dean just came in and said he’s got a brilliant idea. Yeah, I bet.

[x]

I’m really tired but I wanted to write this down. Dean came back to the room a few hours after he and Dad fought and they didn’t talk to each other the whole day. Dad was reading his journal and looking at books while Dean made some mac and cheese for dinner and asked me how I was doing. School’s coming up soon and I’m excited about that and when I told Dean, he rolled his eyes and called me a nerd. I called Dean a jerk in return and from where he was sitting, Dad yelled “Stop fighting, you two!” I don’t think he’ll ever understand us. He’ll never understand me, that’s for sure, but he doesn’t get how Dean and I work. We call each other names and he’ll push me around and I act like I hate him but he’s my best friend. If Dean ever reads this I’ll shoot him with Dad’s gun but it’s true. Dad and I argue about everything but Dean and I can talk about anything and it’s cool. Sometimes I hate him for the way he follows Dad’s orders without a second thought but after what happened earlier, with him defending me like that… I don’t know, I just feel better. Could be the drugs though. Dean’s telling me I should get some sleep so I gotta hide this before he swipes it and starts reading. G’night.

[x]

Woke up today and Dad and Dean were yelling at each other. Kinda quietly, because the stupid motel room is just one room and they didn’t want to wake me up, but I heard them. I didn’t move or open my eyes and just listened while they fought. It was about me. Dad said that he knew how to take care of his own son and Dean shouldn’t  have gotten in the way and then Dean told Dad that I needed to go to the Hospital and Dad should have seen that and Dad told Dean that it was none of his business - I think he was just so angry that he didn’t know what to say anymore - and I heard Dean walk away but then he stopped and said “Sammy’s more my business than he is yours” and he slammed the door behind him. That was the first time Dean and Dad had ever fought like that. I’ll write more later if anything interesting happens.
[x]

Woke up today and Dad and Dean were yelling at each other. Kinda quietly, because the stupid motel room is just one room and they didn’t want to wake me up, but I heard them. I didn’t move or open my eyes and just listened while they fought. It was about me. Dad said that he knew how to take care of his own son and Dean shouldn’t  have gotten in the way and then Dean told Dad that I needed to go to the Hospital and Dad should have seen that and Dad told Dean that it was none of his business - I think he was just so angry that he didn’t know what to say anymore - and I heard Dean walk away but then he stopped and said “Sammy’s more my business than he is yours” and he slammed the door behind him. That was the first time Dean and Dad had ever fought like that. I’ll write more later if anything interesting happens.

[x]

Broke my leg yesterday. We were scouting a park with Dad and I fell on a metal pole. Dean asked me if it ‘hurt like hell’ and at first it was okay, probably adrenaline or something, but then it did start to hurt like hell. Dad said he’d take me to the Hospital when we got to the next town and Dean wrapped my leg up in some bandages. But when we got to town this morning, Dad said that I was okay. It really hurt but I was trying to be brave. Dean got up in Dad’s face, grabbed the car keys from Dad’s hands and took me to the Hospital. He didn’t talk the whole time we were there and I knew he was freaking out about disobeying Dad. I joked that maybe we could hold up in the Hospital for a while and Dean almost agreed. After the Doctors had set my leg and put a cast on, we went back to the motel and Dad was there. He just asked for the keys back, said he was glad I’m okay, and left. I’m really tired from the drugs they gave me so I’m going to bed.
[x]

Broke my leg yesterday. We were scouting a park with Dad and I fell on a metal pole. Dean asked me if it ‘hurt like hell’ and at first it was okay, probably adrenaline or something, but then it did start to hurt like hell. Dad said he’d take me to the Hospital when we got to the next town and Dean wrapped my leg up in some bandages. But when we got to town this morning, Dad said that I was okay. It really hurt but I was trying to be brave. Dean got up in Dad’s face, grabbed the car keys from Dad’s hands and took me to the Hospital. He didn’t talk the whole time we were there and I knew he was freaking out about disobeying Dad. I joked that maybe we could hold up in the Hospital for a while and Dean almost agreed. After the Doctors had set my leg and put a cast on, we went back to the motel and Dad was there. He just asked for the keys back, said he was glad I’m okay, and left. I’m really tired from the drugs they gave me so I’m going to bed.

[x]

We did it!! We won the Division Championship! I got a goal and Dean was in the stands the whole time - when I was on the bench he came down and told me that Dad called and he’d be coming too but I didn’t believe him. Turns out Dad did show up. I played really good and we won and it was awesome. I even got a trophy. When we were driving home, Dean was in the front seat laughing about how excited I was and Dad was pretty quiet, just saying things like “You did good, Sammy” and “I’m proud of you” every few minutes. I don’t think he really cares about my soccer games but at least he came. We don’t talk much and it’s been getting worse lately. I dunno why, we just don’t talk much. He doesn’t listen to me when I talk anyways so I guess we both just gave up. Dean’s always trying to get us to talk, like he’ll bring something up when we’re eating that he thinks Dad and I will be interested in but mostly Dad just shrugs it off. But none of that matters. So what if we’re in a stinking motel room again. So what if I’ll probably never sleep on the same bed for longer than 2 months. So what if I’ll never have a dog or friends. So what if Mom’s been dead for like 12 years. Right now, I’m happy. Dad put my trophy on the table and I keep looking at it because it’s so cool. It’s mine. It’s the first thing I’ve really earned and I like it a lot. I’m gonna keep it forever.

[x]

I wish I was dead. It would be easier. I’m sick of this life. I’m sick of the way we live and how poor we are and how Dad has to use fake credit cards to get anything and I hate that Dean wants to get his own and I hate that it’s been 13 years since Mom died and I hate the way Dad looked at me when he got home and saw my bruise and I hate the fact that when he asked, I yelled at him about how he wasted his life looking for Mom’s killer and I shouldn’t have to be dragged along while he did it and I hate the way he looked at me like he was so disappointed and angry and I hate that Dean hasn’t said a word to me today because of what I said yesterday. I hate everything. Next time we go to Uncle Bobby’s I’m gonna try to stay with him for a while. I can’t take it anymore.
[x]

I wish I was dead. It would be easier. I’m sick of this life. I’m sick of the way we live and how poor we are and how Dad has to use fake credit cards to get anything and I hate that Dean wants to get his own and I hate that it’s been 13 years since Mom died and I hate the way Dad looked at me when he got home and saw my bruise and I hate the fact that when he asked, I yelled at him about how he wasted his life looking for Mom’s killer and I shouldn’t have to be dragged along while he did it and I hate the way he looked at me like he was so disappointed and angry and I hate that Dean hasn’t said a word to me today because of what I said yesterday. I hate everything. Next time we go to Uncle Bobby’s I’m gonna try to stay with him for a while. I can’t take it anymore.

[x]

"Mom’s been dead for 13 years tomorrow." Dean said it like I should care. Like I should’ve fallen off my chair and burst into tears. I get that I’m supposed to feel sad about Mom being dead for so long, or that she died in the first place, but I don’t care anymore. And I said that to Dean. It was the first time Dean hit me. He yelled at me for disrespecting Mom and when I was back on my feet, I pushed him and yelled back at him that I didn’t know her and she’s nobody to me. He doesn’t get it. No one does. Dad sure doesn’t. ‘Mom’ is just a word to me. Dad has 3 pictures of her and that’s the only way I know what she looked like. How am I supposed to care? I was alive for 6 stupid months before she died. In my room. Basically it’s my fault that she’s dead and every time Dad or Dean mentions her, I feel like they’re silently saying just that. She wouldn’t be dead if it wasn’t for me and I know it. Maybe I’m a bad son but I can’t keep caring about something that happened so long ago. Usually Dean would be the one I could talk to about this but I can’t talk to him now. I’ve never seen him so angry at me. I thought he was gonna punch me again but instead he grabbed a beer from the little fridge, tossed it to me and said “Don’t you dare drink that" and walked out. The cold feels good on my chin but it still hurts. I don’t know how I’ll explain the bruise to Dad when he gets home tomorrow.

[x]

Dad told me the truth tonight. I said that I was old enough to know what was going on and he sat me down on the stinky couch and told me. He looked really sad. I wish I didn’t know now. I know why Dad and Dean look sad all the time. I finally know why Dad looks at me weird… like I’ve got a ‘handle with care’ sticker on me or somethin. Mom died in my room. I was a baby and Mom was in my room and a monster came and killed her. Dad said that he got me out just before the room blew up. I don’t know how or why but it makes sense. I always feel weird, like I don’t belong, like I shouldn’t be here, and that’s why. Mom died and I should have died too. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t alive. I hate the way we live. Every motel room gets worse and worse and sometimes I wish we could just go somewhere warm and buy a house and live there for a real long time. Dean wants it too but he doesn’t say anything to Dad. I don’t think it would would matter anyway because Dad wants to find the thing that killed Mom and he said he won’t stop until he does. I hope he finds it soon. Maybe we can be normal then. But even if we did become a normal family I still wouldn’t fit in. I still have nightmares and sometimes I see fire in my head and it didn’t make sense until tonight and I wonder if that’s why. I mean maybe I saw Mom die and I can still sorta remember it even if I can’t remember it. I wish I was dead.

[x]

I found this really awesome game online after I got home from school, a kid at school told me about it, and I was really excited to show Dean but then he came ‘home’ with a girl. It was really awkward because Dean acted like I shouldn’t have been there or something. Where else was I gonna be? School and the motel, those are the only places I go. I wanted to show Dean the game but he left with the girl and said he’d get his own room and winked at me. Whatever that means. Sometimes I hate Dean. I hate when he chooses a stupid girl over me. No that sounds stupid. I don’t care. I don’t care that Dean would rather spend time with a girl he met five minutes ago and I don’t care that Dad would rather write in his stupid journal and research hunts and then leave for weeks. I don’t care about any of that. I’m gonna spend the rest of the night playing my game and maybe I’ll just stay up all night. No one’s here to tell me not to. Maybe Dean rented the room next to ours and I can blast some really awful music to bug him. I’m gonna turn on the radio and find a polka station or something and blast it. Or maybe I shouldn’t in case he isn’t around. Whatever. I’m gonna play my game now.

[x]

Dean turned 13 a few days ago but he had a nightmare last night. I was sleeping and woke up cause he sat up real quick, kinda like a gun had gone off. He’s had nightmares for a long time but this one musta been real bad. He looked real scared. He saw my eyes open and asked if I was awake and I told him that I’d had a nightmare and that’s why I was awake. He looked happy when I said that. I made up a scary story and then he said that he had a dream too that was bad. I’m gonna do that from now on when he’s scared. I’ll tell him that I’m scared so he’ll feel better. He thinks he’s too old to be scared anymore but I have bad dreams too and they can be real scary. I won’t tell Dad about his nightmares and Dean doesn’t tell Dad about mine. Dad wants us to be strong men who don’t get scared so he can be proud of us. Yesterday Dad said that he was proud of us for not waking him up for a while. I’m glad Dean is my brother.
[x]

Dean turned 13 a few days ago but he had a nightmare last night. I was sleeping and woke up cause he sat up real quick, kinda like a gun had gone off. He’s had nightmares for a long time but this one musta been real bad. He looked real scared. He saw my eyes open and asked if I was awake and I told him that I’d had a nightmare and that’s why I was awake. He looked happy when I said that. I made up a scary story and then he said that he had a dream too that was bad. I’m gonna do that from now on when he’s scared. I’ll tell him that I’m scared so he’ll feel better. He thinks he’s too old to be scared anymore but I have bad dreams too and they can be real scary. I won’t tell Dad about his nightmares and Dean doesn’t tell Dad about mine. Dad wants us to be strong men who don’t get scared so he can be proud of us. Yesterday Dad said that he was proud of us for not waking him up for a while. I’m glad Dean is my brother.

[x]